Choose Your Delusion
Three sizes. One dream. Zero refunds on your dignity.
Free shipping on orders over £25 because we feel bad for you.
DISCLAIMER: Results may vary. By "vary" we mean your mileage will definitely vary. We cannot be held responsible for unrealistic expectations, awkward silences, or texts from your ex.
100ml
The Quickie
"In and out. Like your last relationship."
*Cheaper than therapy. Less effective too.
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Perfect for "I have work tomorrow"
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Lasts longer than most of our customers
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Fits in your shame drawer
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Ideal for disappointing encounters
No judgment. We've seen worse.
200ml
The Overachiever
"For people who think they'll need it."
*Cheaper than therapy. Less effective too.
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Best seller (we're as surprised as you)
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Outlasts most marriages
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Still won't fix your personality
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Now with 40% more delusion
No judgment. We've seen worse.
500ml
The Commitment Issues
"You'll finish this before your degree."
*Cheaper than therapy. Less effective too.
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Industrial pump dispenser included
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Your postman will have questions
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Perfect for swingers or the truly lonely
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Expires before you will
No judgment. We've seen worse.
Can't decide? Just get "The Overachiever" like everyone else and pretend you did research.
Why Trust Us?
Honestly, we're not sure either. But here are some badges.
Discreet Packaging
Your mum won't know. Probably.
Free Shipping*
*Over £25. We're not a charity.
Secure Checkout
Bank statement says "CL Holdings"
30-Day Returns
Unopened only. Obviously.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes, we've heard them all. Yes, that one too.
Is it safe to use with condoms?
Yes! It's water-based, so it's completely safe with latex and polyisoprene condoms. Unlike your dating choices, this product actually plays well with others.
Will the delivery driver know what's in the package?
Nope! Plain brown box, generic sender name. To everyone else, it could be vitamins, a phone case, or your will to live (which they don't sell on Amazon yet). Your secret is safe with us. We've kept worse secrets.
What if I order the 500ml and my flatmate sees it?
Assert dominance. Maintain eye contact. We also recommend saying it's "massage oil" or "bike chain lubricant" if you're a coward. Either way, we don't judge. Unlike your flatmate, apparently.
How long does it last?
The lubricant? 2-year shelf life. You? Based on our customer feedback, considerably less. But hey, that's why you bought this in the first place, right?
Is this just expensive water?
It's water-BASED. Big difference. Also contains aloe vera, vitamin E, and the tears of our marketing team who have to write product descriptions for lube. Paraben-free, glycerin-free, dignity optional.
Can I expense this?
We're not accountants, but we've heard "equipment maintenance" and "workplace wellness supplies" work for some people. Your mileage may vary. Not financial advice. Or legal advice. Just moral support.
Still Overthinking This?
It's lube. You're not buying a house.
Our support team is standing by to answer questions you could've just Googled.
Contact SupportAverage response time: Faster than your ex responding to "u up?"